I remember the dark and lonely faces. I remember smelling the horrible things all around me. I remember the way they talked, and felt, and stared. I remember.................................
When people asked me, before I left for Africa, what I thought about it; I would smile and say, "Its my forever dream". Now when people ask me what I thought, or if it was fun, I usually give them a blank stare. How do you explain seeing hell in front of your eyes? How do you explain to people the guilt that comes over you when you realize that everything you complain about is everything these people need and don't have? I don't know that you can.
My trip to Africa was 6 wks. long. However it felt like 6 yrs. There was so much to take in. When I came home, I was so overloaded by everything I saw. Life changing would be putting it mildly. I saw things, felt things and experienced things that broke my heart to the core. There were so many times when I just had to sit down and try to take a breathe because I couldn't believe what I was standing in front of or had just walked away from.
He changed me in ways that I didn't think needed to be changed, but they did. When people ask me to sum up the trip and tell them what stuck out the most to me, I can't. How can you sum up being in a 3rd world country for 6 wks. in one conversation? Beats me..........
If I had to sum up anything, it would be the word that God put on my heart the day I got there,
GRATEFUL
But what now? I have been back 2 months and I'm at a loss. I have always felt like Africa was my purpose, but I know now that God has called me to something greater. However, He has yet to tell me what that is. I know He wants me to rest in Him and be patient but I'm not sure how.
But I just don't get it. I spent 6 wks. in Africa. In the darkest place I have ever been in my life, alone and with no one I knew. But I can't handle 2 months of normal in America? The place where everything is handed to you? It doesn't make sense. But maybe its not supposed to. Maybe my new normal is everyone elses unknown. Maybe the reason why I can't just have a "normal" conversation anymore is because I know its not really that important. Maybe the reason I can't listen to people go on and on about why they couldn't afford that brand new house, is because I have seen children fall asleep with no parents on cardboard.
And just maybe, God allowed me to see everything I saw not so that I would run home and live my life in guilt and fear of everything I have, but for the purpose of helping those who need what God has given me, just as much as I do. Just Maybe???
Africa was very raw. It took me to a place, physically and emotionally, that I had never been before. And though, each day gets better, it is still hard to breathe. But I kind of like that. After all, if I could breathe as easily as I did before I left, I wouldn't feel like God had used me. So, in a way, not being able to breathe means that what I saw, stuck. :)Africa allowed me to meet so many wonderful people. One special person who is one of my greatest friends. :) Maurine was there from day one. She met me in the Airport, came to visit me in the village, helped me get settled in the city and made sure that I was okay at all times. I am forever thankful for her. Nakupenda, Maurine! :)
Africa also allowed me to do so much more! I was able to sponsor my first Compassion child, tour the compassion project in Kenya, visit the slum on more than 3 occasions, teach a small class of children, and see poverty up close and personal.
Africa let me see how good I've really got it. Do I have days when I'm weak, yes. Do I have moments when I think maybe Africa didn't work, yes. Do I have days when Satan is on me harder than I have ever experienced before, Yes. Will my Jesus ever leave me or give up on me, NEVER!!!!!
I'm not perfect. I mess up everyday. I have things that I consider victory's and things I consider failures. But I know that I will never ever get to the point where God doesn't love me. :) He has called me His own. I have had serious struggles since coming back but I know that I have to keep pressing on. Not for me, but for the children who are dying halfway across the world.
Compassion International is the best child sponsorship program that I have ever been apart of. It has taught me so much. :) When I left for Africa, I had this thought that I would be able to rescue all the children in need. Though I helped many, I don't have the power to help them all. But I can help one. So, can YOU! We can help release children from poverty. It starts with one child at a time!
Thank you again to all who prayed for me while I was gone. I ask you to continue to pray for me as God directs my next steps. :) Pray that whatever He calls me to I will humbly accept and follow. Whether that be, sponsoring through Compassion and finishing out this year in the states. Or whether that be, going on another mission trip oversees wherever He calls. :)
Thanks again to all of you and God Bless! :)
